i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
