Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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