i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
