It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this just has baby written all over it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
