Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
