I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
