We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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