OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I have already put on my inside pants.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
