Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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