so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
