just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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