ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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