Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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