at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
