So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
