LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
