The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
