Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
