I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
