just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
