I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
