tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
