I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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