i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
