I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
