somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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