there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
