Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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