He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
