It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
