hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
