Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
