Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
