I wanna passion pit in your ass
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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