This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
