I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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