i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
