tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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