I CAN MOONWALK!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
