At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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