it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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