I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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