CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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