well I can't set my house on fire every night
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
