That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
