my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This baby is an asshole
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I would ride that face into the sunset
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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