Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
