and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
