Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
