My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she pinky promised me she was 18
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
