I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
