I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
