you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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