apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
